Please forgive me, I’m so sorry. I know that you’re not happy with me and that I am and will be a source of pain to you but I promise I don’t mean it.
I know there will be times when I make it hard for you, times when I frustrate you, times when I will make you cry, it’s all part of being human and often I won’t be able to help it even if I wish I could.
But mama, please accept my apology.
I love you. You’re not happy with me now but think of all the times we’ll share. I’ll make you laugh, make you smile, and not forget to begin and end each day with a hug because I love you so much and I will tell you so. And one day I’ll be clomping around the house in your high heels and you’ll get mad at me like you are now but only because I will be nearly as tall as you and it will take you by surprise how fast I’ve grown.
Sure, we will argue because that’s what families do, but it’ll all be ok in the end. We will make up too.
One day you’ll be standing by your car, having helped me take the last of my stuff up the stairs and we’ll hug unashamedly in the university car park and cry our goodbyes even though you secretly worry that I’ll never visit or call you.
But I will. Of course I will, you’re my mother. I will call you every weekend and tell you everything. You’ll tell me about work and what your friends are up to and I’ll tell you about my classes and the quirky lecturers, my first boyfriend, my nightmare flatmates, the things I will discover while exploring the new city, my first breakup, what my friends and I all wore on our night out. The four years will breeze by till you’re standing there in the same heels you got mad at me for wearing and I will be taller than you by then, grinning in my black gown and you’ll finally tell me how proud of me you are.
You will be the first to know when I get my first job out of uni, even if it’s working in a supermarket and I’ll visit on my days off so that we can go get ice cream and catch up together in that cafe I used to love when I was little.
And you will be the first to know when he gets down on one knee. I can’t imagine I will be able to plan the wedding and stay calm on the big day if you aren’t there with me every step of the way.
Of course, further down the line, we will bring the kids to visit even though you will hate our dog. I know you will pretend to be the grumpy grandma but you’ll dote on them (the husband and the dog too, eventually) and you’ll feed the kids sweets when you think I’m not looking and I will pretend that I don’t see.
And when they are upset or ill, you will come by with movies and blankets and probably some ice cream and you will help me keep up with the housework. We will probably argue about it but only because we’ll be worried and when you get up in the night to help me settle a restless child I’ll tell you thank you for helping me and for all the times you did this when I was their age.
As they get older, I will realise how much like you I am becoming but although it will surprise me, I will be proud of the fact because we had our hard times and we had our flaws but you did better than you ever expected you would, better than anyone believed you could.
And when you grow old, I will hold your hand and tell you so. Mama, you will do just fine and I will make you cry telling you how much we all love you, how much I love you and what a good job you did even though you never really wanted to and never thought you could.
Mama, no matter how you feel about me now, and even in all the time that will stretch between this moment and then, I promise I won’t leave your side in those last hours. And when the impossible happens and you are gone, I will be mad at you for leaving me. I will cry for days and I’ll tell people what an incredible woman you are and how much I love you.
Just like I love you now, mama, even though you aren’t happy with me, even though we don’t know each other yet.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you trouble. I didn’t mean to be here mama but I am and I want to be. I want to be here with you now, here with you for lots more nows. I’ll never be an astronaut or the President, I’ll probably never be anything other than normal, I shouldn’t wonder.
But I am your daughter. And I always will be whether you decide to keep me or not.
Mama, I love you.
Just get up and walk out of this stupid clinic, it frightens me.
Let’s go home. Please mama.